Monday, May 26, 2008

Life is what happens when your busy making other plans.

That's totally how I'm feeling right now. Seriously, who would schedule a time like this in their lives? Who would decide that you were going to experience so much pain? I tell people that my grandfather is in hospital, probably dying, and I get the whole "oh, how old is he? well, he's had a good life" ... and I swear, if one more person tells me that I'll choke them till they are a pretty shade of purple. It's a much nicer colour than blue! Yes, I'm aware he is old! Yes, his body has suffered through more than any one person should be able to survive. But he is my Pa. He was there when I didn't have a dad around. Even though he isn't outwardly affectionate, I've always known that I've been totally unconditionally loved by him. I've always known that I've made him proud. And I can't even get my head around a world without Reg ... but at the same time, I can't bear to see him suffering the way he is. So how do I feel? On and off ok. Mostly the most conflicted and miserable I've been in a long time. Even when we were going through everything with Kieran last year, I felt like that in that there was something I could do ... but now, I'm helpless. And seeing Pa laying in hospital, too tired to even tell a joke, makes me feel even more helpless.
It's been 2 weeks. I've been down to see him 3 times. Last time was the best and worst. On Wednesday, he was telling me jokes, fighting with me, and going off at me for not attending the rally for the teacher's strike. All TOTALLY my Pa - he tells the worst jokes I've ever heard, he's a staunch unionist, and he loves to argue. The next day, he could hardly keep his eyes opened, and was struggling to breath, let alone talk. And when I lay down at night, I have those two men in my head ... both of them him, but neither of them quite right. It's breaking my heart.
The other broken hearts around here belong to my kids, and all for slightly different reasons. Tayla and Pa are best mates. To try and prepare a 5 year old for the fact that the biggest man in her life outside her daddy might not be here for long - that's just too hard. But it's too cruel to not even let her know that he's really sick, and she's not silly - she saw it in his eyes when we took them down last weekend to see him. Kieran, well he's just a mess, and I don't blame him! He gave Pa his necklace, and that brought Pa to tears - noone in our family can remember that happening very much (well, not since Kieran offered him a lung if he needed it when his lungs collapsed last year!) And Kelsey is just being Kelsey - holding it in, being strong for everyone. I guess maybe I'm more worried about her than anyone.
So where to from here? He survived surgery the other day, which was more than we expected. He's still in ICU, and making ever so tiny improvements, but mostly he is just hanging on. It could be days, it could be weeks or months. I don't know how much more I can take. And I read that, and I feel so guilty, because this shouldn't be about me - he's going through so much more! So I'm praying when I can, but I don't know what to pray for. Lost. So totally lost, and I don't know what do feel or think about it anymore.

It hasn't all been so grim ... the weekend provided us with a few moments of joy. Kieran had a cadets duty, for the opening of Blacktown Festival, and there was a military display thing at Nurragingy Reserve, so we took the kids down. It was a lot of fun, and even though tanks and jeeps aren't really my thing, it was great to get the kids out of the house, watch them ooh and aah over the parachutists and ponys, and run around in excitement over the waterfall and the icecream truck.
Sunday was the beautiful Bella-Rai's naming day, and my sister and her partner did a fantastic job ... I was using their camera, so as soon as I get the pictures I'll share some. Kieran is Bella's godfather, and Kelsey and Tayla are her "Guardian Angels" - they love that idea, and it was such a sweet gesture. They all got lovely cross necklaces, and Tayla in particular took her role very seriously - she was considering before she said "yes" when asked if she would be the guardian angel and take on that responsibility during the service. Too cute!

Hmmm ... that' s about all I can write now. I have a shocking headache, and should probably go to bed, but I think I just needed a bit of an emotional purge tonight! Thanks for persevering, if you made it this far. And go and give the special people in your life big hugs, or ring them and tell them you love them. Life is too short to assume that you'll have time to do it later.


Julie said...

Hey there PT. Big hugs hunny. Thinking of you and your family.

marijana said...

thinking of you and your family!!!
take care!!!

Shelee said...

How's that head today babe? Thinking of you and the whole family. Hope the news is still good today.


Chrissy said...

I just wanted stop by and give ya a REALLY big hug, it's sooo ok to feel exactly like you are.

Thinking of you. XX

sharon said...

I know exactly how you feel......hang in there. Love to you

Sharonx xxxxxxx