Sunday, May 31, 2009

May 30th .... one of those days.

Have you ever had one of those days that was incredibly sad but at the same time truly wonderful? Yesterday was one of those days for me. It was a year since Pa passed away. The reality of that hit me like a ton of bricks. ONE WHOLE YEAR. 12 months. 365 days. However many minutes they sing about in Rent. Lots and lots of time. So why does it seem like only yesterday? Mum's taxi was in full swing yesterday, with Tay's gymnastics class, and Kieran needing to be at Blacktown to march in the Festival parade, and both these events happening at the same time. So for the first half of the day, I didn't have time to think much about it. But after lunch, I sat down, and contemplated the past year. It's been full of good and bad. Lots of tears shed. Lots of breathless gasping nights where sleep only came through sheer exhaustion. But also, lots of moments of laughter through the tears.... moments where we reflected on a life well lived. Moments where we remembered joys shared over a bad joke, a silly trick, or a special hug. Lots of moments, good and bad.

What occured to me yesterday was that 12 months ago, I couldn't imagine ever smiling again. I couldn't imagine NOT thinking about how many pieces my heart was in. But there have been whole hours, sometimes even a full day, where I haven't thought about Pa. That just seems a bit wrong, doesn't it? People are supposed to say, at times like this, that "I've thought about you every day", "you are forever in my heart". I was feeling a bit guilty about that .... but I shouldn't, right? This is what is supposed to happen. You are supposed to feel better. It doesn't mean I miss him any less ... in fact, if it's possible, since Nan died I miss him more. So, I'm celebrating my dead people today, and am very grateful for their lasting impact on my life.

1 comment:

byclops said...

No, it doesnt seem wrong at all PT *hugs* I bet your Pa would be so proud that you are able to smile xxx