Almost a year, in fact, since I posted on here. And what a year it's been. I've been going through a lot .... WE'VE been going through a lot. As a couple, as parents, as an extended family, it's been emotional, and exhausting, and scary, and amazing .... it's been full of a lot, and I can't begin to find the words to express it all here. I will say this though .... I'm so very grateful that I have so many wonderful people around me. I'm so very grateful for the man I get to call mine every day. I'm so very grateful for these children who I probably don't deserve, but who still call me mum anyway, and who love me in spite of all my hangups about myself. I'm so very grateful for these crazy beautiful wonderful women that I call my friends. And I'm so grateful for the gift of a wonderful woman who I don't know very well, but who has been an enormous help to me, and is still helping me work through all this baggage that I've been hanging on to for such a very long time.
So, I'm blogging again .... for no other reason that, as part of some much needed therapy, I've started writing. And I forgot how much I missed it. And, I've been reading some blogs, and I've been moved. Inspired by the lives of some wonderful women who are struggling with the ordinariness of womanhood. Enchanted by the strength that they have shown in embracing that ordinariness, and celebrating the amazing worth that is them. So I decided it was time to get back to blogging. I've spent the past hour or so reading over my old posts, with tears streaming down my face, as I relived some wonderful moments. As I remembered the pain of loss, and the stinging tears that accompanied my last meal of eggs and soldiers. I'm so glad this blog lurks here, holding these reflections for me, and I don't want to forget them.
There has been a lot going on over the past few months, and I'm still really overwhelmed with it all. Lots of elephants, big and small, lurking in the corners of my livingroom. What are the elephants? They're my baggage, both spoken and unspoken, and I've spent a lot of time ignoring a lot of them, but it's been getting harder and harder lately, and to be honest, I don't think that's a bad thing. I mentioned blogs I've been reading .... the most powerful, and the most profound for me, is Tracey Clark's collection of reflections on Enoughness .... I Am Enough. Such beautiful women. Such real stories. And each time I read one, I'm struck by how similar in so many ways they are, or were, to me. I'm really sick, in this elephant-ridden room, of feeling like I'm not enough, so I'm taking hold of the promise of me, and giving myself a break. My dead people would be pissed at me for giving myself such a hard time. I'm pissed at myself for giving myself such a hard time. And if I know nothing else about that awesome man I call a husband, I know that HE'S pissed at me for giving myself such a hard time! So I'm trying to be nicer to this girl who is me, and I'm hoping that she gets better at accepting that. Am I Enough? Right now I'm not 100% believing of that, but I'm getting closer!
Wow, that's a deep one for my return to the blogosphere huh? I guess I'll be around more often, as I get back into the swing of this writing thing .... I'd forgotten how much it helps me clarify my thoughts when I purge those thoughts from my crowded head. Even if no-one is still reading this, I will be .... so thanks for reading, me, and I'll talk to you again soon!
Sorry to say..... its time.....
9 months ago